How I Attempt to Deal With Fear and Anxiety
I’ve never really had to deal much with anxiety during my adult life. That is, until recent years…
When I was working as a high school math teacher, I remember feeling anxious about whether my students would be unruly after a pep rally, or whether the classes I would be assigned would go well. After all, math isn’t exactly everyone’s favorite subject, so I was walking in the door with a strike against me before I would even open my mouth.
But that seems to pale in comparison to the stress and anxiety I’ve experienced since leaving teaching to work full time on my entrepreneurial interests. Something about ditching all forms of security in the name of adventure will do that to a person, especially if that person is responsible for a family of five…
In fact, when I first left teaching to run my business full-time, I figured I would be so relieved at the decrease of stress in my life: Rather than working two full-time jobs, I dropped down to just one, and one with tons of flexibility at that.
What I didn’t count on was that years of suppressed stress and anxiety would flood over me—during a family vacation no less—which would ultimately send me to the ER back home for fear that I was having a heart attack.
There is nothing more unsettling than listening to a voicemail at the exact halfway point of a cross-country ski trail from a doctor notifying me of an irregularity in my EKG. Doctor’s advice was to “avoid any strenuous activity” until I could get home and see a specialist.
I was standing on the edge of Bryce Canyon on skis when I got the call.
Avoid strenuous activity? I’m on the trail, and I am exactly at the farthest point from my vehicle… Nice timing.
I won’t bore you with the rest of the details, but suffice it to say I wasn’t having a heart attack—it was simply stress that was causing these symptoms.
Nevertheless, I can’t count how often I wake up in the middle of my sleep, my mind flooded with ideas, worries, or fears. I often turn to prayer, giving these things up to God in the middle of the night. I’m not sure if it’s an act of spirituality or one of survival—whatever it is, it seems to work.
Regular exercise has been a goal as well; when I can hammer up a hill on my bike, for some reason life’s other problems seem to carry less power over me.
But what happens when these things don’t seem to work? When my worries seem to crash over me like waves, and I walk into the office with a feeling of being overwhelmed, burdened, and confused?
I keep a ship’s wheel in my office. It was given to me by my grandfather many years ago—he was a lover of water, and some of my earliest memories are with him on his boat as a young child. (OK, in actuality I was seasick and threw up all over my favorite security blanket, which is probably why I remember it, but it’s an early memory nonetheless…)
The wheel reminds me of my grandfather, of his charm and energetic spirit. It also reminds me of the entrepreneurial vein that runs in my family—he was an entrepreneur through and through, always working on new ventures. Some were wildly successful, while others were not. But that never seemed to get him down. The fact that I remember so much more about his personality and his spirit rather than his ventures is a testament to this. He seemed ok with the fact that his ride was an adventurous one, and got a charge out of that, even if that meant the adventure was a little scary at times.
The wheel also reminds me of a schooner out on the wide-open seas. I imagine myself at the helm, with many different directions available ahead of me. Some will lead me directly into harm’s way; others, into more calming seas.
But the thing about sailing the open seas is that we can only see so far in advance. Sure, we can gain an advantage by climbing up the mast to get a better vantage, but we still are limited in what we can see. Even still, the wise sailor will learn to work with the wind rather than to fight against it. Not in a get-tossed-around-the-sea kind of way, but rather an ok, you may be blowing straight against me, but I can tack starboard and still get this thing where it needs it to go manner.
And the truth is, we’re probably going to hit some storms on that sea. That’s pretty much unavoidable, given the unpredictable nature of where we are. The hope is that the storm isn’t so bad that the ship goes down, right?
And, I sometimes have to remind myself, ships are equipped with life jackets, with escape boats, and other such tools to aid survival—the key is to recognize that they are there and to use them if and when you need them.
I keep the ship’s wheel in my office because it reminds me that I’m not alone in this. As life throws all kinds of things my way, I have a Captain that is right there with me—sure, he steadfastly lets me be the one to grab the wheel and steer where I deem best, but my experience has been that the more I rely on Him and His sense of direction, the better the journey.
Not necessarily the safer journey, but the better one. And I take comfort in that, knowing that even during stormy seasons, as with the loving embrace of parents with a scared child, things are going to work out…
It doesn’t get rid of the anxiety, but it sure does bring about a peace that surpasses all understanding. And I’ll cling to that as if my life depends on it, because in a lot of ways, it does…