Are you lonely? Try this…

I came across an interesting quote about Mother Teresa and her observation that loneliness is the leprosy of the Western world.

Wow.

As devastating and alienating as leprosy was in the ancient world, apparently loneliness is what we get to deal with in our culture instead.

Loneliness is an interesting phenomenon. In my experience, I’ve felt lonely when there’s no one in the room, but often times even lonelier when in a room crowded full of people.

Why is that?

How on earth could it be that we can find ourselves lonely in the midst of the company of others?  

Because I’m guessing I’m not the only one who has ever felt this way.

My guess is, you can relate.

Why is that?

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Time for a quick confession: I’m a social media narcissist. (Feels kind of good to get that out, actually.)

Here’s what I mean by that: I typically only check social media when I’ve posted something. I guarantee I’ll check social media every hour on the hour after I post this blog.

Why?  

Because I have spoken, and I want to be convinced that you are listening.

And what’s nice about social media is that all you have to do is reach your thumb or mouse over just a few inches, click on a thumbs-up icon, and prove to me (and the rest of the world) that you heard.

The more “likes” I get, the more important I feel. The more important I feel, the more likely I am to post. The more frequently I post, the more pressure I feel to post even more frequently.

But here’s the problem with my social media narcissism: I don’t focus on how many likes I get. 

I focus on how many likes I don’t get.

And those “not-likes” stab straight to the heart. Because an unliked post is a neglected post. And a neglected post is a rejection of the person posting.

I have spoken, and you have not listened.

No wonder we feel so lonely.

So what’s the effect?

I try harder to get noticed. And you do too. And pretty soon we’re all on the rooftops with megaphones in our hands, shouting with amplified voices trying to get each other to notice. 

And nobody notices, because we’re too busy thinking about ourselves to pay any attention to anything you’re wanting to say.

No wonder we feel so lonely…

Now, if you’re not a social media narcissist like me, you check what other people are doing, and you see your friends hanging out with other people (not you), and your feelings get hurt.

You check social media when you’re home alone, and notice picture after picture of happy couples, happy families, sharing their picture-perfect moments with the world.

But you’re home alone, (never mind you may have just had a great moment with your family the day before) and you see what they have, and it’s not what you have in that exact moment, and so you feel… lonely.

Since our social media lives are all about talking over each other so we can get noticed, what’s the likelihood that we do that in our interpersonal interactions?

I’m guessing it’s pretty dang high.

Here’s a thought:

What if instead of us shouting over each other, we took some time to slow down… and … listen?

What if, the next time you’re in a conversation, you fend off the millions of distractions that will invariably vie for your attention during that small amount of time, and lock eyes with the person speaking, with the singular goal of listening? 

Sure, they might not know what to do with your undivided attention, but wouldn’t that open doors for emotional connection and intimacy?

Any guesses whether they thank you for listening, and reciprocate with and how are you doing?

And after they have felt heard, because you had the courage and humility to not try to tell your own story while they were telling theirs, they’ll invite you in to share yours.

And being invited in is the very antidote to loneliness.

We’ve got it backwards; we try to force ourselves into conversations, wanting to be sure we’re heard by others first in order for us to feel included.

And the result is rejection, because everyone is trying to talk first.

And I think there is an offer of invitation waiting for each and every one of us, provided we take the big step of listening first. Showing interest, rather than trying to prove we’re interesting.

Imagine if we all took a small step this week toward each other, leaning in; throwing away the megaphones and instead opening our ears (and hearts) to one another.

I’m convinced it’s there for the taking.

And it just might be a cure for our social leprosy.

(Oh – and let me be the first to thank you for listening…)