How a Dead Gopher Nearly Crushed my Spirit

Yesterday morning I woke up from a restless sleep so stressed out I felt like crying.  Later, as I was walking out to get the paper, I was met with the unexpected sight of a dead gopher on our driveway.

As it turns out, that would serve as a metaphor for my entire day.

Now, I must admit that dead gophers are really the only kind of gophers I like, but nevertheless there is something a bit unsettling about finding a dead animal of any kind on your property.

It was one of those days where it just seemed that nothing went right. 

Unexpected bills.  Checks to help pay those bills still allegedly on the way, but not in my possession yet.  Internet down at work.  Inventory items shuffled around and/or misplaced, indicating that someone other than a member of our team had been in our place of business.  Coffee roaster malfunctioning, causing us to lose entire batches of coffee and consequently hundreds of dollars down the drain.

I could go on (the perils certainly did), but I’ll spare you (and me) the recounting of each blow-by-blow account of my day.  Needless to say, the day pretty much sucked.

It is said that shadows are proof that there is a sun.  Intellectually I agree with this, but when you’re stuck in a day filled with deep, dark shadows, it’s really tough to see beyond that and find the point where the light and darkness intersect.

And in the midst of that dark shadow, what surfaced within me was the intense desire to flee.  Something deep inside just wanted to bury my head in the sand in order to escape my problems.  I considered every excuse and action—I can’t work effectively without internet, so maybe I’ll go visit some cafes and work there.  I won’t really be able to focus at those cafes once I get there, so maybe I’ll head up to the mountains and spend some time in nature.  My wife is off today, so maybe I’ll just head home and bury my head in her arms and cry it all out.

The last option probably would have been best, but I also knew that any capitulation to leaving would be to let the darkness win the battle of the day.

I also knew that had I left, I would have done so strictly out of sheer avoidance of the problems that the day presented; that in this particular case, I needed to muster up the courage and face the problems head-on.  Anything short of this would just compound my personal sense of failure, as I would end up hating myself for running away.

The more appropriate action was to take my tired arms and hoist my sword and fight the now-apparent Dragon, relentless as it was, and swing away with every waning ounce of strength I had left.  Because the good things in life are worth fighting for, and the fight is really only a fight when you don’t feel you have anything left to offer; before that point it’s just a worthy struggle.

And so fight I did.

I paused and spent some time in prayer.  I re-entered the wisdom contained in some business development books from my shelf.  After that I sat down and forced myself to do some strategic planning.  Later, I met with some students who have a dream of starting a café with a strong missional outreach into their community and were looking to me for advice and wisdom.

I was still grumpy and stressed throughout the entire process, but I found that the more I focused on action rather than burden, the more the stress started to fade.  And as I talked with the eager students, I couldn’t help but remember when I was on the other side of the table, pitching an idea and seeking wisdom from others who had gone down this road before me.  I realized in that moment how far God has led me in this journey, and was reassured with the peace that He’s got this stage under control as well.

Later that evening as I was telling my wife about my no good, very bad, horrible day, admitting my fears and telling her how I wearily took action, I was filled with Life straight from her lips:

You are uniquely equipped to handle this, Nate, and you’re taking all the right steps.  In fact, the action items you just shared are absolutely brilliant.  I’m proud of the way you handled yourself today…

The edge of the Shadow revealed itself in that moment, Sunlight forcing its way through the darkness, comforting me with its warmth and offering me the courage to face that dragon for one more day…