An Unexplainable Change (and The Importance of Friends and Family)

My previous two posts have revealed a crack in my armor, if you will.  I have expressed a vulnerability of my own fears and doubts, and openly questioned my ability to navigate through what has turned out to be a fairly difficult stretch.  Toss in a dose of mistrust that God truly has my back, and we've got a pretty potent combination...

Many of you have reached out to me, either directly or through my wife, checking in on my well-being, and your concern is very much appreciated.

You see, it takes a lot for me to write about my own personal shortcomings, my frailties and vulnerabilities; it’s as if I’m standing emotionally naked in front of an audience on a frigid day.

But here’s what I’ve come to appreciate over these past couple of weeks:

• The emails and phone calls I have received from friends and family offering encouragement, help (in many incredible forms), and wisdom during this time.
• A team at work who is wholeheartedly dedicated to the business, routinely picking me up when I feel low.
• Lunch with my friend Mike, who when I shared of my travails, lovingly and pointedly asked what I think God has for me in this season.
• The Godly wisdom of my friend Dan, who reminded me that whatever I experience in this season will be something I can use to bless others later on in life, passing along the wisdom and understanding that can only come through first-hand experience.
• The encouragement from my friend Tom, who reminded me through real examples from my life that I’m not a complete failure.
• The listening ear from Bill, who let me vent my frustrations for nearly 45 minutes while he prayerfully offered empathy and encouragement.
• The sage observation from Carl that the crises I experienced a couple of weeks ago seemed much larger in the moment than they were in actuality.
• The numerous prayers from many of you; I have felt them and they have lifted my spirit.
• The compassion and care shown by my wife as I have processed out loud for days upon days, causing her to spend her evenings listening to an emotional wreck of a husband rather than engaging in activities of her choice that I’m certain would have been much more exciting.

Here’s what I know to be true:

• Life is a constant of uncertainties and non-guarantees.
• God seems to buck that constant, even when we can’t fully recognize it in the moment.
• Prayer works.
• The love and care offered by friends and family is a very tenable reminder that nobody is ever truly alone, regardless of how isolated one might feel.
• That galvanized steel is much stronger than regular steel, but in order to get strong, it has to go through the strain of intense heat followed by the shock of an ice bath.

Here's what else I know:

The sum total of everything listed above opened my heart to something I haven’t experienced in years. 

Joy.  And peace.  Deep peace.

I can’t really explain it.  But something inside changed over these past few weeks, and it broke through over the weekend.  I noticed it at church on Sunday, where I found myself singing from a place in my heart that had been buried for at least half a decade.

It was as if my heart had been encased by layer upon layer of sediment that had become increasingly hardened over the years.  And that heart has been ardently working for over two years to break that crust, pounding faithfully against those hardened walls throughout the process.

And if I’m honest, it’s been frustrating feeling like little to no change has been happening.

But what I didn’t realize is that the crumbling was happening from the inside out, the unnoticeable erosion from the faithful pulsing of my ever-beating heart finally making its way to the outside of a hard crust, the crack opening up a stream of light from within, offering hope of the genuine restoration of a heart the beats, that loves, and that finally LIVES.

The awakening is finally happening, and it’s coming not from circumstances, but rather from a place much deeper that has never before existed.

I don’t exactly have the words to fully describe yet what is happening, but maybe, just maybe, this is what God has for me in this season…