I Have to Admit, This Makes Me Angry

I struggle with a lot of things, but I never would have pegged myself as an angry person.  Those who know me would describe me as a pretty mellow, easy-going guy.

So all this time I’ve considered anger to be number seven on my personal list of deadly sins.

That is, until I heard someone say that anger is rooted in a dissatisfaction that things aren’t perfect.

Oh.

That opened my eyes a bit.  Intellectually I know that nothing is perfect.  But I also tend to operate under a construct that things really ought to go as I intend, flawed as they are, in order for me to be happy.

So in my little world, things ought to go as follows:

1.     Wake up on my own, rested after a great sleep, recharged and ready to take on the day.

2.     Enjoy my morning coffee in utter peace and quiet, save for the joyful songs of birds welcoming the day.

3.     During my blissful, peaceful morning, enjoy intimate time with God through reading and prayer.

4.     Welcome my children to the day as they sit on my lap quietly, cuddling with me and sitting still, getting along with each other, and honoring my personal space while cuddling.

5.     Eat a hearty breakfast on a cool shaded patio with garden-like landscaping and a view of rolling hills that stretches for miles.

6.     If I go to work at all, it should only be for a maximum of two hours, all spent socializing with my team, buying them lunch to show my appreciation, sitting at the comfort of my desk replying to endless new business inquiries about how people can use our coffee in their cafes.

7.     It would be spring every day, with partly cloudy skies and 72 degrees, and I would get to start each day with a long bike ride.

I could easily write 100 things that would fit my ideal day; I’ll spare the both of us, but you can see where I’m headed with this…

Now, since nothing is truly perfect, I would be more than happy to concede a few of these points each day.  Maybe a maximum of 4 and I could still be more or less happy.

But what happens when I consistently get 0 out of 7?

That’s when the anger surfaces.

It’s hot.  I’m injured and can’t ride my bike.  I actually have to work in order for the business to grow.  Kids are human too, so they’re not going to get along 100% of the time.  We have a new puppy, so throw sleep out the window.  I can’t afford to buy lunch for my team every day, let alone afford a house with a ranch view.  Did I mention that it’s hot?

All of the items in my list point toward one thing:  my personal comfort. 

Physically, emotionally, spiritually—they all center around me, and what I think I need.

And so when things don’t go according to my ideals, I find that I (almost frantically) reach for comfort as a salve.

So my anger that things aren’t perfect leads me to seek comfort in any number of the other deadly sins:  pride, greed, lust, envy, gluttony, and sloth.

And you can see how unhealthy that can be.

It’s interesting that the apostle Paul says, “In your anger do not sin.”  I’ve never considered the connection; I used to think that just meant not to cuss or hit someone if I was mad.

But I imagine he was referring to the deeper reality that as humans, we tend to seek comfort and control in our lives, and we gravitate toward many manifestations of the deadly sins to achieve it.

And I think we can all attest that drinking too much in the name of comfort isn’t really that satisfying in the long run.  Neither is eating, nor greed, nor laziness, nor sex in the wrong context.  All tend to leave us wanting more, and ultimately leaving us more and more dissatisfied.

Maybe God knows that, like a spoiled child, we’re not good people when we get everything we want.

Maybe the question is more about how to find joy in the current circumstances rather than constantly bemoan them.

And so that’s my personal prayer.  That I can find the joy in a summer where we’re still waiting on our home a/c to get fixed, where I can’t do the things physically that I would like to do, where I can’t take the vacation I’d like, and so on.

As trite as it sounds, when the anger wells up (as it’s been doing lately), I will chose to pause.  And find something to be thankful for.

Not sarcastically, as I can tend to do sometimes, but genuinely. 

I’ll choose to discard my own ideals of how things should be, and decide to embrace them as they are.  Centering myself in gratitude, pointing my heart away from deadly sins, and to a reality that will most assuredly be filled with a much deeper contentment.

For my heart can have immeasurable influence on my perception of reality, and it’s time for my heart to experience a bit of change…