Last week, as we explored characteristics of effective leadership, I found myself reflecting on my own leadership style. There are times when I get it right, and there are other times when I’ve been woefully inadequate as a leader.

And while living in this tension is a regular part of the human experience, I started noticing that when I exhibit characteristics of ineffective leadership, oftentimes what is really going on beneath the surface was something rather profound:

I look to something out there to make a statement about who I am on the inside. 

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I recently sat in a room full of friends and asked them: what characteristics make up an effective leader? We took turns sharing traits and characteristics of good leadership, and came up with several.

In our collective experience, good, effective leaders exhibit the following characteristics: They are curious; they are courageous; they are good listeners, validating others’ concerns and perspectives without being dismissive of them. They are not paralyzed by their fear; they enter into the tough stuff, rather than running away from it; and they aren’t afraid to admit when they get something wrong, taking personal ownership rather than blaming others. 

Good leaders show compassion; they are available and care for their people, prioritizing building others up over building themselves up. They are able to be gentle and firm at the same time; they exhibit conviction, not swayed by public or popular opinion. They also demonstrate flexibility, able to listen to differing opinions and make decisions based on the collective input of others–walking the fine line between their personal position and the positions of others who may not see situations the same way. 

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When you think of the term “leadership”, what words come to mind? What makes a leader effective?

Maybe you have images of a strong leader, authoritative and decisive. One who won’t be swayed or moved by public opinion. A “my way or the highway” kind of leader. 

Or maybe you’re thinking about a quiet, gentle leader who, in his or her humility, is great at listening, great at attending to your needs, but lacks the confidence to make a firm decision. 

The first one is clearly effective at being action-oriented, while the second one is clearly effective in tending to the needs of others. 

Why is it that so few leaders are able to bridge the gap between those two styles? 

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